I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
