There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
