After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
