Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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