he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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