What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize