my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
