You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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