Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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