We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
