Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
