I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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