the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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