she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
