Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
