it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
