i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
