mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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