Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
