I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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