Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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