Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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