dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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