I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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