the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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