I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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