...so i touched it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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