he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
