Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
