There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
