sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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