Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
