My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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