I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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