One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
