My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize