Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
