I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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