The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
