She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
