I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
