Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
