oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
