I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I am one with the molecules
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
