Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
