I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
