PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize