No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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