The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
