It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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