It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
