i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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