I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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