ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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