he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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