Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
