I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize