I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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