the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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