I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
