i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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