I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Use "feeling words"
Yay
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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