Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
