It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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