I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
