I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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