He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
