I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
