I smell stomach acid.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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