awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
