remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize