I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
