I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
