if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
