My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
