as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
