You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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